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In fact, one never knew exactly how the LNH HQ would look after a explosion and reconstruction; it had already resembled a London Gentleman’s Club, a late Renaissance Italian palace, the UN building. Now, it resembled a rather shorter stubby version of the 1930’s Empire State Building, complete with an Airship mooring post. LNH’ers were never sure if they would be hanging their spandex uniforms on brushed chrome, wood, or polished brass stands after a reconstruction. A committee headed by Super-Apathy Lad, Time-Wasting Lad and Procrastination Boy is looking into why this is so, but they have yet to set an agenda to decide when to meet.
Tales of the LNH #278 by Hubert Bartels
Marvel ain’t renewing my contract. This story, then I’m supposed to join the MLF, then I get offed.” The cat woman adjusted the wig. “No renewal, no job, no future. Take my advice, girl. Go into retail. It’s safer. Don’t ever work for Marvel Megacorp. They’ll use you, retcon you, twist you, kill and resurrect you, then discard you.
Panta #3 by Hubert Bartels
So! Who wants a Christmas story that takes place in April, and has superheroes, anthropomorphic personifications, flightless birds, and thematic unity?
Well why didn’tcha say so!
April 268th, 2007.
In a bedroom in a sizable family apartment in reasonably nice part of the McCluresville neighborhood in the Zeroth City of the Loonited States, Net.ropolis…
A lumpy pile of blankets laid on the bed. At five minutes to eight, the dulcet tones of Barenaked Ladies floated through the air. Like a mythical sea beast, an arm emerged from the cozy depths of the blanketpile, catching the alarm clock in its grip and pulling it back into the warm darkness.
The comfortable mountain shuddered tectonically and collapsed in a great eruption of yawning young man. Casey von Aluminumfoil rose, scratching himself under the arm and peering blearily out the window. Yep - the chill of early spring was still in place. This would be Christmas Eve, if April hadn’t been going for eight and a half times its normal length.
He blearily trudged to the shower. The hot water made him feel a bit more human (or a bit more mutant, anyway). As he was pulling his pants on, his phone rang. Oh, it was Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad. He was easy to talk to - much more relaxed than most members of the Legion.
"Hey, Pete. What’s up?" Casey blinked, then stuck a finger in his ear. "Er, sorry, my connection’s on the blink - I thought you said I was the leader of the LNH!"
Who will be your - LNH Dream Date!
[ A nine-year-old girl with brown hair holds up a bunch of cards with LNHers on them in glamour-shot poses. ]
Collect Consumerism Tokens to buy outfits!
[ A redheaded girl holds up two cards with dresses ] Pink spandex, or pink trenchcoat?
Reveal your date’s secret origin and see if they’re an A-lister— or the comic relief!
[ A blonde girl reads a card ] He got bitten by a radioactive platypus? Like, no way!
Get kidnapped for extra Peril Points!
[ The redhead goes, ] “Uh-oh! Stuffed in a fridge! Lose a turn!”
Then press the Pop-o-Matic Hologram Projector to reveal the hero of your dreams!
[ The brunette pops up Ultimate Mercenary. ] “Aw, I got the dud!”
[ They all giggle and throw pillows. ]
"LNH Dream Date! Definitely not part of an evil plan to instill disturbingly monolithic and limited ideas of femininity, the role of a teenage girl in society, and the ultimate, inescapable necessity of having a man in your life via post-hypnotic signals!"
[ All three girls turn around and say, ] “This date is going to go super!”
The cover shows several people in elaborate cosplay - a Gundam, a fancytier Homestuck troll, a fully-geared World of Warcraft character - putting hands on hips and frowning at a man in a T-shirt and jeans. He’s giving a shrug and an ‘Uh-oh!’ expression.
Caption box in the lower right: [ Costume Designers hate him! One weird trick for improving economic justice! ]
The cover features a seven-teired mountain with tiny versions of LNHers, often wearing diapers or holding teddy bears, hanging off of it. At the bottom stands a figure in supervillainous armor, who has removed his spiky helmet and is looking up with a sense of wonder.
Kid Enthusiastic, wearing towel around his waist and a shower cap (over his normal costume) is standing in a shower and holding his hands up over his face. Out of the shower head, cats of all colors and shapes - black, white, gray, calico, Siamese, you name it - are spraying all over him.
Kid E: Bouncing Bastet! Someone has replaced Net.ropolis’s water supply with CATS!
Cat On Kid E’s Face: Mrrowwl!
Caption box in lower right: [ When a feline flood hijacks the municipal water system, can the LNH Subgroup Without a Name track down the culprit before the city is faced with total cat-astrophe? Find out in… IT’S RAINING CATS AND MORE CATS! ]
The LNH Subgroup Without a Name is playing an incredibly elaborate board game - something like Mousetrap mixed with Arkham Horror. Kid Enthusiastic is reading off a card.
Kid E: The genus of his favorite stuffed dinosaur when he was seven!
Carmine: Would that perchance to be… ankylosaurus?
Casey: How was a trivia game about my life in this ten-thousand-year-old box!? And how am I LOSING?
Caption box in the lower right: [Read along with our heroes, and see if you can answer the question of the… ANTEDILUVIAL PURSUIT!]
A mob, holding dollar bills in their clenched fists, is chasing the LNH Subgroup Without a Name down a set of small-town streets. Outlined in the starry sky above is a malevolent, devilish figure, holding a telethon-style board with numbers rolling upward towards a million dollars.
FIGURE: Ten thousand more to go and we’ll reach our final stretch goal - the DEATH of the LNH SUBGROUP WITHOUT A NAME!
CASEY: I try to be hip, and act like the crowd—
MALA: But the crowd can’t help me against the crowd-powered STARKICKER!